How to Break Up With Your Phone

A 30-Day detox for a healthier relationship with your phone

I didn’t have my first cell phone until middle school. It was a flip phone that I mainly used for texting my friends using T9, phrases like “Wut r u doin?” and “G2G” (and also the helicopter shooting game). From middle school to high school, I upgraded to phones with weird names (I’m pretty sure I had a phone called the Chocolate) and dreamed of holding a Sidekick. But really, I hardly used my phone. I was too busy playing basketball with my friends, or reading Harry Potter. It was a healthy relationship — devoid of absolute dependence and obsessive attachment — and life was simple.

Then, in 2010, Apple dropped the iPhone 4. It didn’t suddenly change my life, but it was the beginning. I still regularly misplaced my phone and was notorious for responding after several days. Flash forward to my life today, and my relationship is totally different:

Today, I don’t know where to go without Google Maps, I don’t know where to eat without Yelp, I don’t know what my friends are up to without Instagram. I wake up and get ready with Netflix and pillow talk with Youtube.

It really started to become a problem when I started real estate and the beginning of the Covid pandemic, for 3 major reasons:

1. I’m never off the clock. Clients seem to always need something at the most inappropriate times. Although phones allow us to work from anywhere, that also means we can work from anywhere —workcations are the new normal.

2. I’m more anxious. There’s a lot of pressure with real estate. Obviously, I’m grateful for the work, but people are buying and selling half million-million dollar investments — that’s huge. When I’m anxious, I tend to curl up into a little ball, and find whatever distractions I can to avoid dealing with my anxiety.

3. I’m isolated. I used to call myself an ambivert — someone who gets energy both from being around others, but who also needs solitude to recuperate. Now, I not only realized I’m much more of an extrovert, but also just how essential it was for my well-being! Being able to both get outside of my house, my head, and my problems, and to remember that the world continues to spin.

Side Effects

A few observations led me to realize that I had a huge problem:

1. My relationship with my phone is affecting my personal relationships— whether it was a family member, my partner, or friend — it was a struggle to detach from Netflix and return to reality. I found myself become more and more irritable and easily frustrated.
2. I fall into hour-long blackholes watching random videos — from Wild n’ Out clips to reruns of Gordon Ramsay yelling at people on Hell’s Kitchen — I watched the most ridiculous and random videos that immediately led to feelings of shame and regret.
3. I feel a rush of panic and anxiety anytime I couldn’t find my phone, or realized that I had missed a notification. I legitimately have separation anxiety.
4. I am noticeably more scatterbrained. I often forget what I was doing, in the middle of doing something; I am easily distracted; I space out in the middle of conversations; I misplace my belongings; I make silly mistakes; and it even affects my ability to communicate clearly because I struggle to organize my thoughts.

Simply put: I am trapped in a toxic relationship.

So, I turned to my favorite teacher, and bought a book on my Kindle — “How To Break Up With Your Phone” by Catherine Price.

Before we begin, I would like to reiterate a point made by the book: this is not actually total breakup, but moreso a break to create a healthy relationship. Phones are incredibly useful and near impossible to live without. My goal is to shift my relationship with my phone from parasitic to symbiotic so that I can be more present and effective at work and life.

The Background

The book begins by describing how these phone addictions emerge. I won’t go into all the details, but basically, many people turn to phones because of one or more reasons below:

1. We crave novelty and unpredictability. You probably love the NewsApp, Twitter, Robinhood.
2. We have FOMO. You love TikTok and don’t want to miss out on the newest gifs and the latest dance trends.
3. We want to be loved. You might post on IG and get a rush from all the likes/comments/fire emojis/views.
4. We are lazy. You keep the setting on Netflix and Youtube that automatically plays the next video.
5. We love feeling special. You’re home screen is color coded or covered in widgets. The more your phone reflects your personality/interests, the more you feel the phone is a part of you.
6. We self-medicate. Not Web-MD. Moreso, you choose to watch a bad movie on Amazon Plus than deal with a stressful situation at work.

I’m a little bit of everything, but especially #6. Still unsure if you have a problem? Try the Smartphone Compulsion Test developed by Dr. David Greenfield, founder of the Center for Internet and technology Addiction.

Just circle the questions that apply to you:

According to Dr. Greenfield… If you scored 5 or above, you have a problem. 8 or higher: you might consider seeing a psychologist who specializes in behavioral addictions for consultation.

I know what you’re thinking: who scored less than a 5?! Price responds to doubters: “the fact that these behaviors and feelings are so universal does not mean that they are harmless or that this test is too dramatic. Instead it’s an indication that the problem may be bigger than we think.”

Price continues by explaining how phones affect us covering a lot of the exact reasons that I had previously mentioned above, but provides the science to explain how phones are affecting everything from creativity to sleep. For me, the most shocking researched pertained to how phones were rewiring our brains making us easily distracted, unable to focus, mentally fatigued, and overwhelming our memory — huge problems that are affecting my ability to stay productive at work and to stay attentive on dates with my partner. Time for change.

The Plan

Price specifically advises people to do this together, for accountability and support. I’ve already recruited Camille, but I also want to extend this invitation to everyone I know. I’ll be posting the daily activities on my IG (@theahnestagent) for you to follow along and look into the journey. Just a head’s up, this will also require a 2-day total separation from your phone on Day 20–21 (although I don’t know if it’s cheating that I can text with my laptop…)

Here’s the plan outline:

Week 1: Technology Triage

Week 2: Changing Your Habits

Week 3: Reclaiming Your Brain

Week 4: Your New Relationship